My Inner Voice

Inside my head

Sat, 04 Aug 2012 04:03:27 -0400

People always ask me, “Why Navy?” As if saying other branches are better. Each branch suffices certain needs, and completes the puzzle that is our military.

I chose Navy for two reasons: I feel it’s the best for the job I want to do
And I’ll be surrounded by the ocean.

The ocean is…me.
Cliche, I know.
The ocean is rich and full of life, but it is vast and unknown. While parts are brimming with life of coral and fish and sharks and whales, others are just completely vast and empty. Where the light shines is full of color and wonder, but down in it’s depths, within the oceans core no one can say for sure what goes on.
There are fish that emit light to lead you astray, there are fish that emit a pinwheel of bursting light as beautiful as fireworks. There are ships and unknown treasures sitting on the ocean bottom waiting to never be bothered. There are secrets that are kept in complete darkness that even the fish have not discovered.

The ocean wears a mask. On it’s lit up surface it dances playfully and invitingly, but once you break the surface and get into it’s core it swallows you up and spits you out completely different than before. You have a deep understanding of what you will never understand.

The ocean is life, and the ocean is depth. It is emotion and spirit. Beauty and catastrophe. Light and dark.

The ocean will make you or break you.

The ocean is me, and I am the ocean. I want to be surrounded by the one thing that I can understand, even though I can’t understand it fully. Which is perfect, because I don’t even understand myself.

That is why I chose the Navy.

My biggest fears (Sequel)

Thu, 05 Jul 2012 14:20:42 -0400

All of my fears are coming true

He came home, but it wasn’t him. It is as if something filled with the devil’s ego has consumed him.
He thinks he is better than everyone, he thinks he is above it all and that he knows how the world works.
He thinks he is the best thing to hit this earth.
He thinks he can come back into my life and turn it all upside down.
Worst of all, he can and did.

He took my friend from me, might have just made me lose another. I had a panic attack while with a guy friend last night and instead of fooling around like we were he had to spend the next hour or so trying to keep me from hyperventilating.

I had a dream a few weeks ago, a nightmare more to say. I had gone insane.
It wasn’t me.
It was some crazy-eyed, wild-haired monster using my body for its fun.
I had gone completely insane with schizophrenia and paranoia and I was attacking viciously anything that I thought moved or spoke.
I killed so many people in that dream.
I was so scared and just out of myself the next day because of it.
I had been having a rough time and I wasn’t sleeping right so I kept having hallucinations, but I knew they were hallucinations.
But then my perspective on things changed… This city that I grew up in.. that I knew so well… none of looked familiar one day. It’s really hard to explain, but just imagine walking into your room, knowing it’s yours and where you are, being familiar with the fact that you should know this place, but everything just looks off. Like someone had recreated it except everything was just a millimeter out of place. It was yours, but at the same time it was like driving somewhere for the first time and getting a fresh new look at it before becoming familiar with it.

Now imagine this for an entire city, your hometown, the most comfortable place you can think of.

It was so disconcerting, but I brushed it off.
But when I had that dream, it hit my core. It made me wonder if it was an omen, was I starting to lose my mind. I just… I couldn’t hardly hold myself together that day.

I have never had a panic attack before, so for me to just start crying out of nowhere, curl up in the fetal position and just start rapidly hyperventilating (in the middle of a happy night to say the least) scared me even more. Which made it worse.

It started off as just tears, and rapid breathing, but he calmed me down pretty quick. He was checking if I was okay (he’s a trained medic) and I went into another episode. Except this time I was crying with my eyes wide open like I was having a flashback or something, and I started rocking back and forth asking him over and over why this was happening, what caused it, what was going on. Over and over. That quickly turned into me just curling up into him while he stroked my back trying to sooth me. I finally closed my eyes and just went limp. I thought I was ready to pass out. He was finally getting me to take really deep breaths and I could feel sleep taking over, and I started apologizing over and over sleepily, which somehow triggered another one. I started crying and hyperventilating and my eyes were wide open in terror and for the next twenty minutes I was muttering to myself “I’m at home. He’s not here. I will kill him. James is safe. I will kill him.” to someone who nothing about what I was talking about.

And once he calmed me down from that it was just over. I was fine, and we continued on a little bit before I had to take him out the back before my dad got up.

I went upstairs and started shaking but I was able to calm myself down and I passed out.

Thinking back on it… I still have no idea why it happened, but I should have noticed something was wrong when I started acting like a little child. Oohing and aahing fireworks, buying some little toy that lit up and you slung into the air with a rubber band and it would float down as it caught the air. I should have noticed myself reverting into a child like state. I should have noticed something was amiss when we were drinking and he was trying to hit some turn on spots and I would giggle because it tickled instead of heating me up. I should have noticed.

It’s interesting how fast love can go to hate.All those long posts about the one who could...

Sun, 06 May 2012 03:13:00 -0400

It’s interesting how fast love can go to hate.
All those long posts about the one who could never get out of my mind, and now he still can’t, but it’s a different feeling. I don’t feel a longing, a craving, when I think of him. I have a deep loathing, and blood lust.

After hearing those things that he has said, has done, and what he become… I have to loath him. He has left me no choice.

After all I went through with him, I love who he was still, but now that I know that is gone forever, I would honest to god kill him if our paths ever crossed again.

You can’t disgrace a friend that way, you can’t just stick your dick in everything that moves, and you can’t only think of yourself.
You’re going to be in a platoon someday, now those people won’t exactly be putting their lives in your hands, but you are going to have to care for more than yourself.

If you can’t do that, than you are no marine.

You are not in a combat job, you are not tough shit. You are an aero-mechanic. It’s what you wanted to be, so stop acting all high and mighty and on top of the world. The people that deserve that attitude and respect are the ones who have seen things that I know have crippled you in the past. So shut up, and salute the boys that make it back.

Stop being a dick.

If I ever see your face again, I will take that high and mighty smirk off your face. That’s a fucking promise Austin.

I think the reason no one ever really truly wants to hear about someone else’s pain...

Tue, 01 May 2012 01:21:04 -0400

I think the reason no one ever really truly wants to hear about someone else’s pain isn’t because they don’t care about the person, but because everyone has some pain, some baggage that will pull them down every now and again, and they don’t want your pain to remind you of theirs. It’s not that they don’t care, but they are just looking out for their well being.

A favorite lingering though..

Tue, 01 May 2012 01:16:24 -0400

Every time I am out some place, and I just feel lost and empty and numb on the inside; Sort of like I’m not actually existing, and I hear Ambulance sirens, I always wonder if I have actually passed out, or something happened, and I’m hearing those sirens for me, but I’m already in a coma and what I’m seeing is my imagination.

I always secretly hope the sirens are for me.

I'm done with life

Sat, 28 Apr 2012 15:24:25 -0400

“Taylor you need to wake up.”
She sounded pissed, maybe I had overslept and Ella was coming soon to pick me up.
I open my eyes and glance at the clock. It’s only noon, she isn’t coming for another four hours.
“There has been a small accident with your car.”
She wasn’t pissed, it was more of she was still panicking from hearing my father scream from outside as the car began to roll. She had jumped up from her seat in her closet to run outside to help him because he was doing yardwork and she thought he had cut himself with the trimmers. My mother doesn’t run.

I jump out of bed. I know exactly what has happened before I ever make it outside. It has rolled down the hill it is parked on. My worst nightmare. Of course in my nightmare it rolls down the hill, off the curb, and into the neighbors house. Thankfully it just took out the mailbox, which it promptly got stuck on, and didn’t hurt anyone.

My dad starts yelling at me for leaving it in neutral and not putting my parking brake on. Wait… what? No, I know for a fact the parking brake was on because I double checked last night due to the wind, because the wind was so strong it would have blown it down the hill. Something happened, of course he doesn’t believe me. My plumber dad is suddenly an expert mechanic.

I go back inside as tears begin to spill out from my eyes. I just got a job, I’m still going to school, my recruiters office in the next city. How am I supposed to get to these places without my car, which now has a hole in the radiator.
When I go back outside, my dad has unlodged the car from the concrete anchor that held the mailbox in the ground and has parked it back up on top of the hill.
Fan-fucking-tastic. Not only is it back where the brake failed the first time, I can’t get under my car to look and see what else is broken from here. Thanks genius.

After all this, I finally realized what was even worse about all this. It’s Saturday, April 28th. Prom.

My biggest fears

Sun, 15 Apr 2012 22:09:14 -0400

My biggest fear about him leaving isn’t that he won’t come back. I know one day he will have to come home, now whether he contacts me or not is a different story, but I know he will come back.
The fear is that when he comes back, if I see him, it won’t be him. Being a Marine changed him before he ever left, he didn’t see himself as a civilian anymore, and he seemed to think that just the title made all the difference. He hadn’t been to basic, he hadn’t seen what it took to become what he wanted, but just not being a civilian anymore was taking its effects.
I am so afraid that he is going to come back, and he will look the same, maybe a little older, and a little more toned (unf), but it won’t be him.
It won’t be the Austin that left, it won’t be the Austin I tried to let go of. It will be some new personality in his skin.
I am afraid of that, but at the same time, I hope for that. I know that if he comes back, and it’s not the him I knew, that I will truly know he is gone forever.
If he comes back and it’s not him, I might finally be able to let go.

My biggest fear about leaving, isn’t about anything I will encounter at basic. I’m not afraid of getting yelled at, getting hurt, getting pepper sprayed, gassed, or attacked.
I am afraid of what I’m leaving behind.
I am so scared that my home won’t be here, that something will have changed.
I am afraid that I won’t have my friends here to welcome me back, afraid that no one will notice I’m gone.
I am afraid that somehow my parents will lose the house, will lose each other, and that everything will be gone. It may seem foolish, but it’s all so easy.
I am afraid I am going to lose everything I have here, just by leaving for 9 weeks.

My biggest fear: Change.

Bittersweet Nostalgia (Part 4)

Tue, 10 Apr 2012 00:07:38 -0400

-I already touch on this on part 3, but the whole thing has been on my mind lately-

I remember the next week after the breakup somehow.
Going out every night, with some friends I really didn’t know all that well, but I knew enough to get shit faced with them. That first day after I just kinda showed up at his place because I knew he would want to smoke or drink or something.
I remember he knew something was wrong because I had been talking to him for the past couple days, he knew what was going on vaguely, but he didn’t know I had done it.
I remember he saw my face and gave me exactly what I needed, a hug and a bowl. He then invited me to come with him to a party with some other friends, and I went. I don’t remember which party, but I know I got hammered, and I still was just lonely and distraught, but I didn’t want to puppy dog him all night so I went off and just sat somewhere for a while diddling with my phone pretending to text. No one bothered me.
I remember waking up next to Bear, Jay was passed out in the closet, we were in Bri’s guest room.
I remember knowing Bear was mad at me, because I wouldn’t let him even so much as throw his arm around me for comfort as we slept. I remember I didn’t care, and he knew that.
I think I passed by home, and then went back to Bri’s, or Bear’s.
The whole week is a blur between being at Bri’s, Bear’s, or being shitfaced at some stranger’s home.

I remember just wanting to escape from everything, not in a suicidal way, but just a “I need to corrupt my thinking process” way.
I remember shutting down that week, that was the week I lost everything.

I lost my world
I lost my self
I lost my soul
I lost my heart
I lost my job

I was so lost and confused and wanting to escape everything I remember talking about quitting my job, and everyone disregarded it.
I remember they were planning that night’s party, and I was thinking about how I had work at 7 AM the next day, and I couldn’t handle the party and work, so I did what any senseless, lost teenager would do.
I remember calling work, my co-worker/friend answered, I told him I wasn’t coming in tomorrow morning, and when he asked why, I remember telling him because I wasn’t ever coming again, and I remember hanging up.
I remember everyone being in shock when I came back into the kitchen to tell them what I had done.

Now, as I slowly get better, slowly heal, slowly piece together all the pieces I shattered, one more piece falls into place; 9 months later I have a job again.

I have always enjoyed a good party, but never have I had the need to get completely wasted, just to lose myself completely, to need to get to the point where Bear has to carry to my car because he doesn’t want to see me stumble out the door.
I know now how much that week killed him, and there is nothing I can do to get him back as a friend, but I wish he would know how much that week kept me from doing something completely stupid, something I couldn’t have recovered from.
I wish I could find the words to tell him exactly what that week was, but I can’t even find the words to tell myself.
That week is one of those dark secrets, the ones you only revisit when necessary.

There was one day I was at the gas station; I was glaring at the...

Thu, 29 Mar 2012 22:27:00 -0400

There was one day I was at the gas station; I was glaring at the huge sign that showed that gas had gone up again. A man hobbled over to me in dirty clothes, crutches under each arm because he couldn’t walk right, he asked if I could spare money for a gallon of gas because he had no money and he was just trying to get somewhere. I never did hear where he was going, but I walked over to the gas pump that his truck was at, and he placed a one gallon tankard on the ground near the pump. I picked it up and placed it back in the bed of the truck where he had gotten it and stuck the nozzle into the fuel tank. My car cost around $20 to fill up, his cost $30 I found out that day. He spent the entire time waiting for the tank to fill telling me cheesy jokes that I continued to laugh at because it made him smile each time I did. I was a little scared the entire time, thinking somehow it was going to turn into a kidnapping type thing, but I went ahead and made this man’s day anyway. I hope he got wherever he was going.

Bittersweet Nostalgia (Part 3)...

Mon, 19 Mar 2012 01:26:08 -0400

As the different memories play out, is how these parts go. They are not in chronological order, and eventually I will do a summary type thing about the whole relationship, so things might make more sense. Though really these are for me.

This is the day I will never forget. I can almost play it second by second, except for like an hour which is just completely gone from memory. I guess I only remember the most emotional parts of the day. I remember it as the worst day of my life, and the worst mistake I ever made.

I had been thinking about it for a week, I had talked to a couple different people, none of them giving me any real advice as to what I should do. I guess no one knew, I know now I didn’t either.

Somehow the thought got into my head that it would be better in the long run for both of us if I broke up with him.. so that was my mindset when I went over to his house that Thursday.

I remember getting there, and instantly being unsure with whether I wanted to or not.

I remember going into the shop at one point, he wanted to do some more work on the bike again. This drove me insane, I was there for him, not that stupid bike. I wanted to at least help, not just sit by and watch him.

I remember he was looking for some part, or tester thing or something. I don’t know. I wanted to help him find it so I asked him what it looked like. He said it was a black plastic box looking thing. So I pointed to something he had looked over a couple times, I wasn’t sure if it was it, but it couldn’t hurt to ask. He just looked up at me frustrated and said “No. That’s the battery tester.” Then he got really pissy and sarcastic and continued on pointing “And that’s the motorcycle’s battery, and that’s the engine…” He said this in a mocking voice.

I remember thinking at that moment. This is it, that was the sign. I’m breaking up with him.

skip forward several hours (These are missing from my brain)

I remember he had a long day and he was tired, I didn’t factor that into his attitude at the time, and he was having a couple beers to wind down. They were getting to him more so today.

I remember we were watching TV when suddenly he falls over in my lap and starts trying to wrestle around a bit, but I was already in my mindset and I was getting irritated, so he asks me what’s wrong, but I wouldn’t tell him. I couldn’t find my voice.

I remember him sitting up a bit, closer to me, so that he could kiss me. I wouldn’t kiss back. I was completely frozen as I saw the confusion in his face as he tried again. I knew that it was no going back now, I hadn’t kissed back, so he knew there was something wrong.

I remember him sitting up, putting his beer down, and forcing me to talk to him.

I remember as soon as I got my voice, I started crying as I explained to him that I was breaking up with him.

I remember it took over an hour of conversation before it was official and we understood the kind of terms.

I remember him asking why, and I couldn’t give a real reason. “It’s just a thought that’s been brewing in my head that it would be better this way”. That’s not a fucking reason. That’s I-have-no-idea-why reason. It’s a reason that say’s this obviously shouldn’t be happening.

I remember him telling me after I said I really wasn’t sure that he didn’t want it to happen, and that I should listen to my heart not my brain, but I didn’t. I wouldn’t. God how he was right.

I remember he didn’t fight me very hard. He knew I was stubborn and that once something was in my head it wouldn’t come out.

I remember sitting in his driveway, explaining to him that I still cared about him, I just didn’t think it was in a relationship kinda of way, more like a really close friend that I could fuck or something stupid like that.

I remember how out of frustration he grabbed a stick and started shaving away at it, so he would have something else to focus on besides me. I wouldn’t want to look at me either.

I don’t remember all of the conversation enough to put it into sentences, but I know what I said.

I remember him walking into the house, not even looking back because he had to go to bed.
I remember getting into my car, and instantly bursting into tears.
I remember realizing as soon as his door closed that it was a mistake, and that I couldn’t text him because I knew he wouldn’t look at his phone if he saw my name that night.
I remember taking the back road home, because it was longer and full of country and I didn’t want to to get home.
I remember driving as fast as I could along those curvy roads, crying and beating on the wheel, and blaring the radio not caring if it woke anyone up.
I remember getting home, and not saying a word to my mom which never happens because I always talk to her.
I remember crying myself to sleep that night.

I remember waking up for work the next day, feeling completely numb and not wanting to think about what I had done, and going through the day not hardly to speaking to anyone even though I was a cashier.

I remember going on lunch break and not eating a thing. I curled up in the corner of the eating area, which was public, and locking my arms around my knees in full uniform and burying my head and crying.

I remember as I pulled out my phone, I couldn’t call because I would be crying to hard, and sending him a long text saying I had made a mistake, I couldn’t live without him. Asking to just forget about that night, erase it from memory.

I remember a stranger coming and sitting down at the table next to me, looking at me crying staring at my phone. I wanted to murder that guy for invading my space, for judging me, for not at least saying anything.

When he finally responded, which seemed to take hours even though my break was only 30 minutes, I remember him saying he didn’t know if he could. He didn’t date girls twice, he wanted me to take some time and gather my thoughts. I told him I understood, and that I would talk to him over the next few days keeping him updated, but I knew that my mind wouldn’t change. I got hopeful that it would work out. But I still remained there crying, because a part of me was still dead inside that he didn’t instantly take me back.

I remember that week only getting worse, as I couldn’t seem to fight for him hard enough. He always had a reason.

I remember it was summer break then, so my mom was used to me being out late. I still don’t know how I did this, but I went with my close friend (at the time), who knew what was going on, and knew that I couldn’t be alone, to party and get completely shit faced every night that god damned week. I didn’t come home mostly it seemed. I still don’t know how I got away with that, but I think my mom kinda knew something was going on. I still hadn’t told her, but she always seems to just ‘know.

I remember after a week of saying I hadn’t changed my mind, and that the feeling of needing him back was only growing stronger, that he had come the decision to stay true to the fact that he doesn’t date girls twice.

I remember going through the next month in a haze because I was either drunk or on something for the majority of the time. I couldn’t take it, but when I had broken up with him, I had promised that we would still remain friends, and I tried to keep true to that.

I remember going up there for a couple weekends during that month, trying to be friendly and not the over bearing ex girlfriend stalker clingy bitch. But if we got alone, I couldn’t help but to get quiet.

I remember the first night I saw him after I did what I did, spending the day with Chad and Travis and having a great time. I had actually gone up there to see Chad, I wasn’t even on planning to tell him I was coming up there, but we all ended up at the lake. Chad wanted to go work out at one point, and Travis had something he had to do, so I ended up alone with him for a while. I was waiting for Chad to get back from the gym, so that I could go over and drink with him; He had just turned 21.

I remember by the time he had gotten back home, Austin and I were in his room and he was kinda playfully wrestling me and had gotten on top of me and pinned me down, and then unexpectedly he kissed me. I was taken aback but dammit I kissed him back. I played it off and started wrestling him back, and managed somehow to get him turned over and I kissed him. I said if you can kiss me I can kiss you, it’s only fair. He got back over on me, and Chad texted me, I told him Austin honestly wouldn’t let me leave, he was physically not letting me leave.

I remember I only got out of there, because in all that wrestling and the confusion of the kiss, I ended up breaking down and saying if you still want to wrestle and kiss and fuck and act like nothing is wrong, why won’t you take me back.

I remember he said “I don’t date girls twice”.

I remember hearing that way too much before he left.

I remember as the date grew nearer, I wanted to see him on last time, but he was “too busy preparing”. I know now it was bullshit, after seeing another friend leave, and seeing that friend the day before. Sure Austin went to the Marines, and Alex went to the Navy, but boot camp is boot camp.

I know now in that last month Austin didn’t want to see me.
I know now after looking at a profile I shouldn’t have looked at, Austin was getting interested in another girl.
I know now that he may not have ever loved me at all as much as I thought he did.
I know now that I still can’t live without him.
I know that one of the reasons that I am joining the Navy, is to have something occupying my mind so I can’t stop and think. So that I can leave all this behind, and start with a clean slate. So I can start where I don’t know anyone, no one knows my past, no one knows how broken I am. Where I can start off as a strong woman, and start a new life.
I know now, that if he hadn’t made that one stupid snarky comment while looking for that part for that damned bike, we might still be together.

I know now, 9 months after the fact, that I would take him back in a heart beat, even though I only had him to myself for 5 months.

I know now, I will never be happier than I was for those 5 months.

I know now, that the Navy will be a good thing for me, and I have 6 months left before I start over new.

Bittersweet Nostalgia (Part 2)...

Mon, 19 Mar 2012 00:49:45 -0400

*Maybe if I put it into parts it won’t be so bad, I just need to put this all down somewhere because I don’t want to force someone to listen to all this*

I remember the date, our very first one. After you told me you liked me, but wanted to get to know me better before we did anything, that period only lasted for a week. We couldn’t wait.

I remember school never lasted so long on a Friday. Ever. You texted me, saying I needed to look semi formal for the restaurant we were going to. I was elated.

I remember spending hours with my best friend going through her closet because I had nothing to wear. I have never done that before. I remember putting on just enough make-up to look nice, but no more than what looked natural.

I can’t remember what I ordered, or what the name of the restaurant was for that matter, it wasn’t important.

I remember watching him though, I could hardly eat, but he was paying for it so I forced myself to. I didn’t want to take my eyes off him. He looked smokin, in the gray button up shirt he had on, with all the stitching and prints on it. I was a virgin at this point, the thought of sex actually revolted me, but I wanted to rip that shirt off of him.

I remember spending the whole dinner wondering when he would ask. He all but told me he would, and then the check came, and we left, and my heart started sinking. I thought I had done something wrong.

I remember when he showed me his ‘spot’ by the lake, though we never got out of the truck. We were sprawled out in the back seat, ignoring the radio mostly because we were so lost in conversation. I finally got the nerve to bring it up, I asked him why he didn’t ask. He said the moment never felt right during dinner, so I said well what about now. I ended laughing, because he thought dinner was the only part of the date and that we were just hanging out at that point, he wanted to ask me on a date. He ended up asking anyways.

I remember driving home that night, with the windows down, the wind playing with my hair, and having the biggest smile on my face, the warmest feeling in my heart. I was on top of the world.

I remember only the best things, and all the things I really did wrong from here on out. They aren’t really in order, and I can’t really put a solid timeline to it, but I remember random days.

I remember the one day I went up there, after spending the entire weekend clubbing with my Best Friend and her rave family. I won’t go into details about that, but I didn’t sleep. I showed up at his house on a nice hot Saturday, in my back up tank top and boy shorts. I was tired, but I was happy to be there with him.

I remember explaining the whole weekend to him, because I didn’t want to hide anything, even though I knew he wouldn’t be happy with some of the things I did, but we moved past that quickly. We couldn’t waste such a gorgeous day indoors.

I remember Chad coming over, and we went down to the waterfall, god I love that place. The water was still cold, but we waded across it, because it was a 2 foot water fall, and in the middle was a large dry piece of rock.

I remember at this point my allergies were really acting up and I felt really crappy, so I told them I was just gonna lay on that rock in for a bit while they explored further up the river. I ended up falling asleep, and when they got back to me, there was a puddle next to my head of sinuses and other fluids.

I remember him waking me up, asking if I was okay, and at this point I knew I was sick, but I didn’t want to leave him. I hadn’t seen in a week. I only got to see him on weekends because he lived 20 minutes away.

I remember getting back into Chad’s truck, after climbing back up to it, and getting driven back to where we had left my car, because mine couldn’t make it out there. He had always wanted to drive it, but I was hesitant because of personal reasons, but I felt so sick I didn’t want to, so I gave him the keys and hopped in the passenger seat and layed the seat as far down as it would go.

I remember rolling the windows down because my car doesn’t have AC, and as we got close to the Chicken E it started storming, but we couldn’t roll the windows up or we get heat stroke.

I remember the rain felt so good on my feverish skin, and me him laughing as we got soaking wet. Even though I was sick, it was great.

I remember getting back to his house, and he and Chad wanted to go work on the motorcycles in the shop, but I didn’t want to cross the yard or go outside because of all the nature flying through the air, and it would upset my allergies even more, but I didn’t want to leave either, so he set me up in his bedroom with a box of tissues and a trashcan and closed the windows so I could sleep. It was so sweet.

I remember waking up 2 hours later, to a pissed off mom calling me, because I hadn’t been home in nearly 2 days and I hadn’t been responding to her latest texts because I was asleep, and when I explained to her I wasn’t feeling well and that I had been napping, she demanded I come home immediately, so I went outback and entered the shop. Neither of them noticed me because they were so swept up in working on that damned bike.

I remember him looking so hot with the grease on his hands and wiped across his forehead, his black wife beater, and glistening arms because it was so hot. It took me a moment before I told him I had to leave. He walked me to my car, made sure I was really alright to drive, and then gave me a kiss goodbye. God I never wanted to leave.

Bittersweet Nostalgia...

Sun, 18 Mar 2012 21:02:14 -0400

As you are where ever you are in this world right now, I sit here at my computer listening to this song, remembering us.

I remember when this song came on the radio, before we ever started dating, and you said “That’s the kind of girl I want.” From that moment on, I strived to be that girl for you. It wasn’t hard, it was a song saying act natural, that’s what I like best. Don’t try to impress me, don’t primp up, be you. So I did. All the time around you.

I remember the second I really got to see you. We were all at Travis’s house, someone had pulled up in the drive asking for directions I think, you were walking over to the car and I had the crazy idea to run up and jump on your back. So I did, I jumped and I latched around your shoulders, but I didn’t anticipate moving my head out the way and I smacked my head right into yours, and I was so confused by what had just occurred that I continued to hang on, you hadn’t grabbed me and carried me. I was just hanging there while we were both trying to figure out what had just happened. While I was hanging and it finally began to sink in, I finally let go because I started laughing so hard while you sat there rubbing your had saying What the Hell?! I couldn’t stop laughing for some reason and I felt like such a fool afterwards. I remember thinking at that exact moment that I had blew it. You would never like me after that, but then later, while we were all in the media room watching the new A-team movie, you stole the blanket. We had a silent tug of war match over it, and then I whispered “If you don’t give it back I’ll just sit on top of you and use it that way”. So while I still had a handhold on it you pulled me up into your lap. And I curled up, I fit so well with you.

I remember feeling your hand start cautiously creeping it’s way up my leg, so that you could kinda hold me. And I was so hesitant on grabbing it, but I slowly crept towards it the way it crept toward me.

I remember feeling so perfect in that moment, watching the movie.

I remember feeling you shudder and seeing your eyes close in a part where a few people got shot, asking him if he was okay, and having him vaguely explain that he had some friends killed.

I remember curling up tighter, so that I could be closer to him, so he would know it was okay.

I remember that night, when my mom texted me in the middle of movie saying I needed to come home, so I told everyone I had to leave. He said he would come out with me so he could tell me how to get home, and everyone already knew at that point that he just wanted to get me alone outside. I had a GPS. Everyone knew it, he did too. I hugged him goodnight and got in the driver’s seat, and he surprised me because he came around the side of the car, and got in the passenger’s seat as I was turning on my GPS.

I remember talking, just sitting there in my car talking, for like 30 minutes, before my mom called me asking where I was.

And I will never forget, as I began to explain I really have to leave, when he looked down at his lap real shyly, and said “I want to do something before you leave, but I don’t know if I should”, so I told him it was okay I wanted to too. And he took my head, and he kissed me. So lovingly, and I kissed him back… he pulled back and said “The problem is once I get started I can’t stop”. I pulled him back and said it’s okay. We kissed several more times, but I really had to go… so he gave me his number.

I remember getting home, and making the comment to him saying I went nearly 60 the entire way home, as my own way of letting him know i got home safely, but not saying it in those words to not seem like I needed him to care about it.

I remember texting him all week, and making a plan so that we could go on a date that Friday.

I remember not being able to wait that long, and he ended making a trip out to my house the Wednesday before hand. We went all over town, before I had to come back home.

I remember sitting outside my house in his truck for 3 more hours, because I was home, and we could. We were just passing stories back and forth, learning all about each other. We couldn’t stop talking it was just so perfect, I remember him leaning in to kiss me, and saying that Friday would be the best day ever.

I remember all this, even though we hadn’t been dating yet.

I remember the first time I met you, after hearing you ask my best friend if I was single, I remember knowing at that moment, that I would love you forever.

I don’t know where you are, I don’t know if you still think about me, I don’t know if you still love me, I don’t know if you have found someone else, I don’t know.
But I do know I still think about you, I know I still love you, I know I could never find someone else as great as you were. I know that I will always love you.

I remember everything, but to write everything out, would become a longer novel than this already is.

Fake people

Thu, 24 Nov 2011 01:53:16 -0500

Okay this is kind of a holiday rant… but I think it is a good point.

One would define a fake person as someone who hides who they really to fit in or create a good image of themselves. So why the fuck, should we hide who we are and how we live from our own flesh and blood?! I have spent this whole week cleaning house and hiding bullshit under my moms ruling thumb. The entire time I’m thinking yes some of this shit could use dusting and whatnot, but it was the hiding stuff that got me. My mother has this corner where she has all her bullshit set up that she does with her computer. Yes it’s kind of a mess, but it’s who she is. So what does she do? She hid it all away so the area would look nice. We have this room filled with stuff we are going to give away. She made me hide it all in the office. She even tried to have me and my brother clean up our rooms. Yes it is a mess, but it’s just the kind of messy where I know where everything is, and I don’t have an issue with other’s seeing it this way. If my mom wants to create some kind of false sense of cleanliness or and organization for the family, that is fine. But she should not under any means press it down to my responsibility. I have other bullshit I want to be doing, not her bullshit. I will help her clean and cook, because she may hurt herself otherwise due to medical bullshit, but she can hide her own crap, or she can have her husband do it.

Rant over.

Have you ever thought

Mon, 21 Nov 2011 22:03:40 -0500

I keep seeing everyone rip on Kristen Stewart for having no emotions and blah blah blah. Have you ever thought about whether or not she sees stuff like that? It’s not that I really care about her, but I hate it when people search for all this bullshit in people they will never talk to. I mean what if she did see all this, what if it effects her. What then. Have you ever given to thought to whether or not this stuff hurts her? I mean her life probably already is kinda shit because she did the twilight movie, and everyone on this god given earth except for mostly (I REPEAT MOSTLY) ignorant pre-teen girls, hates twilight.
You will nearly never see me rip on an actor or someone famous because I actually do wander if this kind of shit effects them. Think about it like this:

If everyone was constantly ripping on you for one of your biggest flaws, how the fuck would you feel? Pretty god damned self conscious. I know most of you will not read this, or even if you do you won’t give a flying fuck, but I wish more people in this world would think about how the littlest thing they do can effect someone, because the smallest things are monumental.

Rant over.

In The Mind of A Sociopath (kind of)(This will forever be a work in progress)

Tue, 18 Oct 2011 18:08:08 -0400

The differences between a psychopath and a sociopath are subtle, but I assure you, they ARE there. However, psychopath will not a word mentioned in this writing again.

A sociopath has a special kind of mind. I should know. It’s hard to describe and I’m breaking many ‘writing rules’ on this, especially when I say ‘the layout’. The layout of this will be random and sporadic and may waiver off topic, but what I’m going to attempt here is explain what goes through my head, and in certain instances, how the process may work.

Racking my own brain is hard enough to do, and I know we, yes we, have all wanted to get inside a sociopath’s head. What better way than to hear from one (i may have self diagnosed here). Sociopath does not translate to murderous-raging-crazy-person. Just have to get that out there. I guess a good place to start would be my unique ability to knock out things that really aren’t important to my life. What I mean by this is simply that if I don’t deem it useful knowledge or it doesn’t pique my interest, I simply will not remember it. Stuff like history, or science, or stuff I don’t care about. I learn it for school purposes, then as soon as I no longer need the knowledge, it is eradicated from my brain. Importance has a wide range in my head. It can go from details about people I am close to, to good/bad memories, to little bits of conversation that most people overlook, to routes to places, to noticing small things about whats around me. I personally am forever stuck in the past. It’s a flaw and gift. At the end of the day I can’t help but to recap. I space out all the time getting lost in the entity that encompasses my head.

Daydreaming is something many people do when bored. I like to think mine is a bit different though. I don’t zone out due to boredom (sometimes), I zone out because most likely someone said something that triggered a memory, and I will go off to lala land thinking about it. An example (because I know this helps) would be you and I are talking about a person. You begin going into some long stream about what they are to you and their significance and blah blah blah. Well I streamed off at ‘what they are to you’. I’m going to start thinking of someone who currently means a lot to me. After the name and face comes to head, I go off even further thinking about things we have done, things I wish we had done, things I plan on doing and usually I start creating scenarios in my head and playing them out like reality. I can do this for literally hours on end, or until someone snaps me back to reality. That may be similar to something you guys do, but I wouldn’t know now would I.

Let’s change gears a little bit and talk about the power of deduction. If you’re confused as to what I’m talking about, think Sherlock Holmes, a quite famous Sociopath. I have a refined ability to read into people (think about the show Lie To Me). Omegle.com is my sandbox. Where better to go and play with people than to a place filled with strangers? This is now the part where I attempt to spell out how I go about doing such things. I get connected with a stranger and completely blow past the whole ‘a/s/l’ bullshit and start on a different path than what they are used to. So immediately I have the playing field. I start off by having casual conversation and just taking a mental note of punctuation usage, their spelling abilities (or lack there of), word choice, typing speed, syntax, etc. Once I feel I have a good grasp on their internet persona I start saying things that catch their attention, assumptions I have made about who they are, things they know they have not told me, but things I have figured out. Naturally, this sparks a curiosity as to how I have gotten this information, so I enlighten them on my little game. At this point they are in disbelief and want me to continue ‘reading into them’. Now I am in complete control and can ask questions or spark conversation and then ‘display’ to them my ‘reading’. 9 times out of 10 it’s generally pretty accurate. Let me see if I can give you some basics on how to do this, this of course will be very exaggerated examples:

- i think ur fun 2 tlk 2 VS. I think you’re fun to talk to The first one often indicates either a younger person, maybe 12, or a bubbly (popularish) teenager. Someone who would be in the ‘in’ clique at a highschool, usually attractive and naive. The second one shows maturity. Often someone late in highschool who is not popular, but not a geek of sorts either. Just a normal person with a normal life.

- You seem smart VS. I admire your intelligence

Honestly the first one really doesn’t say a whole lot, it’s the second that is more revealing. It is a sign again of higher intelligence, or maturity. Someone who takes a second to think about how they want to come across to you. Again, age can vary, but generally late into highschool, and not of the popular variety.

It’s just the little things that you really have to take notice of.

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Like I said work in progress. I will add more I’m sure when I’m not procrastinating.

White Lies Are Not Harmless

Tue, 18 Oct 2011 17:43:17 -0400

If you knew what someone wanted to hear, would you tell them even if you didn’t mean it? It may feel right because you know it will make them happy, but when they finally realize you don’t mean it, it will be worse than telling the truth to begin with.

It’s stupid to lie. It’s stupid, it’s wrong, and in the long run it only makes things worse. I know this because this happened to me. He told me he cared, he told me he would never hurt me, but he would never see me, he would never really talk to me like he would his friends. So finally I said something to him and instead of denying it, telling me it’s all in my head like he usually does, he tells me to fuck off (to make a lengthy conversation short). It hurt. Alot.

So if you, or someone you know, are doing this to someone, take just a moment, take a step back and look at it from a different angle. How would you feel if someone was doing it to you?